Musings of an Unemployed Student

So, I guess it’s Monday. The great and mighty Monday. The most dreaded day of the week…...

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 22:21:27 -0500

So, I guess it’s Monday. The great and mighty Monday. The most dreaded day of the week… rather, it was. Now, it’s Wednesday. Don’t ask.

I suppose life is good. Good enough, anyway. But then again, never be satisfied with what you have, always strive for more? It’s when you stop caring that the trouble begins? I don’t know.

To word this better, life is very boring. Droll. Plain. It’s just… lacking that something. I’m sure you know what I mean. It’s probably just a phase, right? I mean, everything in your youth is a phase. I’m sure (hoping) that everybody has had their days like this. Just so I’m not crazy, or anything. Just so I know there’s nothing wrong with me.

It’s really just been bland. I feel very secluded and I don’t really talk to many actual people. This type of seclusion is probably not healthy, but I can’t do anything about it. Rather, I can, but I won’t. Well, I would, but is it worth it, dropping all of my silence and doing things? I think I’ve just gotten too used to the same sort of empty quiet that comes from sitting in my room or at the computer all day. But I digress.

I am in the mood for something hot and spicy. Maybe I just want to burn my tongue enough so I don’t have to talk. Incapacitate my taste buds. Everything would taste the way my life feels. Or maybe just a little pain and eye watering to break the monotony. Who knows? Not me, that’s for sure.

Actually. I want to go swimming. In the ocean. Right now. I want to be able to run across the sand and throw myself into the waves. Sometimes it feels like everything would be easier if there was a place I could go to relax, like the ocean. I mean, how calming would that be, sitting by the ocean, or swimming in it? I’d love to be able to walk down the beach and just look around and see nothing. Maybe that’s why I am unsatisfied: I have unrealistic ideals and goals. At least, that’s what I’m told. I really have no idea.

Chances are, you didn’t finish reading this, so I’ll just stop rambling about my life and really nothing and go.

The problem with actors today, you see, is that they forget who they are. Not, literally. They know...

Mon, 01 Oct 2012 01:42:51 -0500

The problem with actors today, you see, is that they forget who they are.

Not, literally. They know their names.

But, they forget who they were and become who they are supposed to be.

The problem is, they’re never themselves.

How can they be, when all they do is pretend to be other people.

For weeks on end, they are somebody.

New job. New personality.

About face. That quickly.

The problem is, they don’t know who they are anymore, when all they are is the product of the corporate world.

They make millions to be somebody, anybody but themselves.

Being yourself is just too boring, you have to be somebody else.

The problem is, when people meet them, they aren’t expecting the real thing.

All they want is to see impersonations from soandsomovie with whatevercharacter.

The thing is, nobody cares who you are, anymore.

All they want to see is the product.

You get paid millions to be somebody else, and even when you’re not on the clock, you’re still not yourself.

Reality is so far removed from itself, you don’t know what it is anymore.

The problem is, it’s a deadly disease with no cure.

Johnny Depp will never be just Johnny Depp. He will always be “Johhny Depp as ______ from ______.”

Insert your favorite character from your favorite movie.

The problem is, all actors are the same.

Fresh face, no personality.

The problem is, this is all anybody is.

The problem is, it’s not just limited to actors.

The problem is, nobody cares enough to change it.

We are too comfortable to not be ourselves.

We are too comfortable to be anybody but ourselves.

The problem is, everybody wants to fit in.

The problem is, it will never change.

When you are no longer an individual, you are nobody.

Look. If you are reading this, chances are, you searched tags and found this in...

Sat, 22 Oct 2011 18:52:53 -0500

Look.

If you are reading this, chances are, you searched tags and found this in “depression”, “anti-depressants”, or “therapy”.

And if you are reading this, you probably are struggling with depression too. I’ve been down that road. Honestly, I’m smack dab in the middle of it. Again.

It has been so crippling that I can’t function in society as a normal human being most days. I can’t even finish a semester of college because I get overwhelmed and then lose motivation. I end up curling up in bed every day instead of going to classes. I stop eating. All I do is sleep. And I don’t even do that well.

On the good days, I smile and call it a “long-term plan” for school. On the bad days… Well, let’s not go there.

I have been on so many anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications I can’t name them all. I have seen therapists. Nothing works for me.

At least, that is how it feels. I take a medication and I feel like it does nothing. So I stop and then all hell breaks loose. And by the time I realize that maybe the medication was helping, even a little, it is too late for me to go back. I am all ready in the midst of another huge mistake that I can add to my growing list of failures.

I can’t fathom why anybody would want me in their life. Normal people are emotional rollercoasters. Me? I don’t even have emotions, most days. I don’t cry. I don’t laugh. I don’t smile. The only thing I have is self-loathing.

And sometimes, even that washes away to be replaced by emptiness.

And I can’t bring myself to commit suicide. I don’t know if it is because I am too brave or too cowardly.

But I continue to soldier on, because somewhere inside of me, there is this tiny flame of hope. This hope keeps me alive, even when I don’t want to be. Hope keeps me moving towards my goals, though I don’t think I’ll ever get there.

Hope is beautiful and wonderful and amazing. I hope that one day I will be able to function again. I hope that one day I will be a successful pastry chef. I hope that one day, I will see my children and grandchildren.

And if you are reading this, and you’ve felt all those things too, I hope that you will find something to live for. I hope you find your inextinguishable flame of hope that keeps you moving on because life is so much more than depression. Life is so much better than depression. Life is worth living.

Why does this nation relish violent, gory pictures of the deaths of wanted men? If what they did was...

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 11:09:58 -0500

Why does this nation relish violent, gory pictures of the deaths of wanted men? If what they did was so wrong, you shouldn’t glorify any aspect of their life, including their death.

Personally, I find the images revolting. I don’t like seeing bloody, dead people pop up on my dash or on the TV. I don’t find it to be “cool” or “funny” or “awesome”. I think it is sad. Sad that the person chose to live a life that perpetuated violence, even to their death.

And what I think is really sad is how inured people are to these images. It doesn’t even faze them.

Does life mean so little to us now that we laugh at death? I am ashamed of my generation, reveling in the loss of life, glorifying violence. And I truly don’t even know who to blame for this shift in perspective. I can’t tell if it is the national media or just time itself that is changing our culture. No matter; it’s happening and, by and large, there is nothing I can do to stop it. The only thing I can do is continue to speak out against it and hope someone, somewhere is listening.

“ItsOkayToCheatIf” is trending on Twitter (US). I don’t condone cheating of any kind. Whether...

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 01:17:35 -0500

“ItsOkayToCheatIf” is trending on Twitter (US).

I don’t condone cheating of any kind. Whether it be games, school, or people, it is just wrong. Don’t these people feel any remorse? Do they have any moral compass?

Do they even have a soul?

Clearly, the state of the world is in a downward spiral. More and more, people are not only allowing such things, but actively supporting them.

It makes me physically ill to think of people going out and cheating on their significant others. The pain, the grief it causes the SO of the cheater is unbearable. The doubt it casts into their minds, the feeling of never being good enough. The way it causes trust issues, situational depression, even spur-of-the-moment suicide. And, selfishly, the cheater never even thinks of these things when they decide to cheat. They only think “Oh man, s/he’ll be so pissed if they catch me” and of the personal ramifications.

Is it worth it? Really?

I believe that humanity is beautiful. I believe that life is worth living. I believe that...

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 23:04:00 -0500

I believe that humanity is beautiful.

I believe that life is worth living.

I believe that attaining knowledge is the ultimate goal.

And I believe that you are perfect the way you are.

And I wish — oh how I wish — that when you looked in the mirror, you would tell yourself:

I am beautiful
I am smart
I am perfect the way I am
My life is valuable and worth living

And maybe someday, if you say it enough, if you believe — maybe someday you’ll see yourself the way I see you. Perfect.

I am happy for the people of Libya, really. However, I don’t believe we should celebrate the...

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 18:16:42 -0500

I am happy for the people of Libya, really.

However, I don’t believe we should celebrate the death of one man. Rather, we should mourn the life he chose to live.

I was never any good at this anyway

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 17:21:34 -0500

The salve I use for surface scrapes sadly cannot be used for wounds of the heart. Not to say that my heart is wounded, but rather that I only wish I knew how to help those whose are. If meaningless sex and flirtation could wipe away the pain caused by heartbreak, wouldn’t the world participate in one giant orgy? I know I would.

Regardless, love can be such a fleeting thing. And if love is fleeting, then was it ever really love at all? I want to know: can I truly love someone? Is it possible to love someone so thoroughly, so selflessly, so sacrificially that it screams beauty and wholeness? Or is it only possible to love yourself?

And isn’t it weird that you can swear you love someone and only months later you leave them? And truly, what caused you to leave? Infidelity? Abuse? Probably neither.

After all, humans are selfish creatures.